ON the Other Side

Well, I am overjoyed to report that I have not up and run off, stark-raving mad. Quite the opposite, I have for the past 6 days been experiencing the benefits of the new anti-depressant, Wellbutrin. I am a little kicking myself for not taking this stuff sooner in my life. I say that and I immediately remind myself that my HP has a plan for me and I am open and grateful for the easing of the symptoms of depression. I guess that is what they mean by outside help.

There is a part of me that wants to judge myself for not being able to "hack-it". Not being tough enough to persevere. I hope that is the inner monologue that is so screwed up. I remind myself that I am doing the best that I can and then concentrate on doing the next right thing.

Speaking of next right thing.....I want to play rugby. I got all fired up about it after watching a match in Calgary this weekend. It was very exciting. I could use a bit of excercise and added weight, but I have to start somewhere.

I am off to bed. I am working the red eye from Albuquerque to NY tomorrow...so am trying to stay up late. Have any of you Mac users checked out Camino. Its Mozilla's browser designed specifically for Mac OS. I have been using it and I think its pretty cool.

help with Wellbutrin

any info....I started taking it yesterday and I feel out of wack.

in the midst of ....

Today is Sunday and I could be at work today. I have been off since the last week of July. I feeling very off my rocker. My friend Glen, who I shared some intense years as his partner, is moving out of town this weekend. Back to New Hampshire. I am having a hard time. My toes keep bouncing and my stomach feels tied in knots. I cried with him at his house the other night as we stood in the street. I felt very small, and wanted to wipe the tears away, but they just kept coming.

My HIV meds are all sorted out. I am praying that they do the trick. The doc put my on an additional anti-depressant, and I am not sure if that is driving my anxious feelings today. I am definitely feeling overwhelmed. Answering the phone causes my stomach to tense up. I haven't felt like this since I was coming down off meth.

So what is honest is I have milked this sick call to the bare financial bones and now I am experiencing anxiety about next months financial picture. I have some company stock that I can sell. and I am not goin to go hungry or homeless. I just could use some perspective.

Getting to Know You....

I have been taking some time to read other blog from you folks and I am full of "stuff." I am inspired first and foremost, next the intimidation sets in and then a resolve to continue to follow my sponsors instructions during times like this. He told me to read the back of my Desire chip. "To thy own self be true." The posting I have read have led me by example and for that I am grateful.

I have had a good day. Hank the Dog continues to be a great anchor for me while I am home with so much free time. Walking to Starbucks for morning coffee (ok....I use the term "morning" here very loosely) is a real pleasure. I totally understand the term "dog-days of summer". He can't be outside between 11 and 5 or risk overheating. Bless his big heart.

I had dinner this evening with my friend Jim and his friend Nick from LA. A very handsome charming man that Nick.....and he knows his food. I was feeling extremely self conscious about the fact that Nick was taking care of dinner. It was making me uncomfortable until I was able to just just spoke up and said "I am feeling uncomfortable......" It helped a lot. The restaurant was at the Alden Hotel downtown and it was called 17. Apparently Texas has the most amount of Railway tracks. at one time in the very early 1900, Houston had 17 different rail companies in town.....hence the name. I guess they had to come up with something .....maybe the owner was a Thomas the Tank Engine fan growing up. The food was incredible. I had heirloom tomatoes that tasted like a hot summer day, sitting on a tire swing that is hanging from a big oak tree with knee high grass, and crickets chirping. with rock salt on top. they also had the most fantastic ice cream. I had buttermilk ice cream, sweet corn ice cream, and cream cheese ice cream. then a bite of chocolate pecan pie. oh ya.....in between these I had the most delectable lamb chops that had the perfect amount of tasty fat on the bone with enough dark grilled bits to give them a nice crunch in places. and juicey meat that was marinated and grilled to a perfect medium rare. yummy.....I love me some good eatin!

Today I am grateful:

1. for my sobriety today.
2. that I have a place to live and don't have to sleep in my car.
3. for AC.
4. that i am on the other side of living in a 1/2 way house.
5. that people are glad to see me when I visit them.
6. for Hank the Dog and his easy going nature. He really is such a
LOVER and not a fighter.
7. for Dr. visit this morning and trying the Experimental Drug again tonight.
8. that Dr. sees me as a partner in my own care. He respects my input.
9. for the opportunity to connect with others through blogging.
10. for a great game night with lots of friends to enjoy mania and laughs.
11. for the wisdom and perspective of my sponsor and others I am inspired by.

Saturday and its Hot...

I had a fun time bowling at the Roundup Fundraiser last night. I was not really feeling like going and my inner monologue..(.hence forth to be known as i.m. ) was telling me that I didn't really want to go. i.m. was telling me how tired I was and I didn't have the energy and blah, blah, blah. I am so grateful I didn't listen!! It was fun and our team won the Most Enthusiastic. Its amazing how just a little screaming and dancing to the groove of Michael Jackson will pick up the spirits. Something about hurtling a heavy ball down the lane to obliterate the pins feels so rewarding. and today I am grateful I am not sore for the effort. There ain't no technique in my bowling skills. Its just raw power unleashed to maximum effect. BTW I only bowled a 112 so you see how far that raw power goes. Whats the saying..all brawn and little brains.......(ouch that hurt...)

Hank the Dog and I went for a walk this morning to Inversion. When we got there I saw a guy who I recognized. I couldn't for the life of me remember where from though. I said hello and told him I couldn't remember where I had met him. he was the same. I am uncomfortable with those kind of encounters at times. I ask myself was this someone I used with? promised to marry in a sketchy haze...? used his drugs in my Mother Teresa sort of way...?

Alas....we met on the Warrior Weekend through the Mankind Project that I staffed in July. Well we had a great conversation. I got to talk about how I have trouble connecting with other Warriors and some people in general. He shared how he was in the same situation and I was reminded that my HP has me on the right path. Keep moving and everything will work itself out.

so far.....SO GOOD.

Today I am grateful

1. for iced coffee in the morning that gives me a little bit of a
"get-up-and-go".

2. for Hank the Dog that likes to go for morning walks.

3. for my conversation with Deanna about staying in things that are "safe."

4. for meeting a fellow Warrior this morning and not being embarrassed
about asking him "where do I know you from." --thank can be dangerous
with a checkered address book like i have.

5. for opening up to him about some of the things that hold me back.

6. for God reminding me of lessons I could use today.

7. for smoothies that are oh-so-good and delicious.

8. that my meds are working out so far. minus the "Experimental"
Drug but that might come later. (it looks great in capital
letters......)

9. for AC....its hot outside.

10. for the Blogging community that I am entering. I am posting at:

http://tomjourney.blogspot.com/

lots of love to my peeps.

Tom

I like this....

thank you folks for posting welcomes and comments. It made me feel good and included. I just read them and wanted to put down my gratitude right away. Next stop on the road is checking other bloggers out. Reading others blogs is like the adult version of reading my sister's diary's when I was younger. But way better and not as risky to my physical well being.

I tell you I am feeling 100% better from the other day. I have been taking some concrete action and suggestions from some people I really admire and am feeling the rewards and effects. I have had Hank the Dog staying with me for the past couple of nights and I forgot how much I LOVE!!!!!! dogs. Taking care of something other than myself is miraculous and I remember how much I love the connection that animals foster between people. KIDS at Hermann Park loved him. They were Hispanic kids and we were all conversing in broken Spanglish. and Hank just wagged his tail.

My Meds situation is better today. no adverse effects so far. I am taking a big cocktail minus the experimental drug right now. I love saying "experimental", makes this addict feel very special. So we will see. Please include me in your prayers. Hope you all had great day.

Today I am grateful:

for Hank the Dog and the magic of an empty water bottle that he loves.

for the companionship of Kyle.

Dust clothes that capture dust instead of moving it all around.

for sweet smelling candles

for cold water in the fountains at Hermann Park

for being treated for Breakfast.

for not goin into AnnaGalactic Shock due to drug reaction.

Ass Crack of Dawn.

Hank the dog stayed with me last night, and I don't know why, but I couldn't sleep last night. I have been praying for divine intervention to get me out of bed at a more reasonable time, but to get such minimal sleep last night was a bit frustrating. But I am grateful to be up early this morning. God is working in my life, sometimes quickly and sometimes sloooooowwwwlllly. I have already taken Hank the Dog out for a walk and fed him over at Kyles place, I need to get him some dog food for over here if I am gonna be playing the dog co-parent.

I have a really strong urge to crawl back in bed. Resist, Resist......goin to get some coffee.....that may help.

I am gonna try this out!

Today is the first day of this blogging thing. Sounds a lot like flogging......but that is for the other computer. I have this tendency to edit what I type. Ill try not to do that here. Teachers used to tell us to free right and my mind would wander to other things so thats a skill I am looking to develop. So anyone out there reading this be forewarned.

I am really struggling with depression lately. I stay in bed when I don't have to work to avoid the seeming emptiness of my day. I feel like I lack direction. .....things to do. When prompted, I find there are a lot of things that I am interested in doing, but I get stuck between thinking and the execution of said "things". It is a struggle to get out of myself sometimes. I want everyone to see me being in a "happy" place. But really I just want to be left alone so that I won't have to make the effort. I am self conscious because people are gonna read this. I am not even sure this is the appropriate place to be putting all this. I just mulled for a few minutes about that feeling. It doesn't feel very good, but fuck it......Its my blog and I can blog what I want to. I am grateful that God has my back during these times. There are ways out and am praying about it daily. Now its time to take some action. This blog is one way. It seems to work for others, so I am taking their suggestion.